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It seems like everyone you talk to these days is complaining about the economy. It’s almost as if the economy has replaced the weather as a means to strike up conversation, or make small talk. You’ll be in the elevator with someone and they’ll be like, “Fucking economy..” and you say, “Yep.” The guy checking out your groceries will be like “God damn market sucks man” and you’ll look confused, not knowing if he’s talking about the stock market or the actual market that he works at. Either way, he’s probably right, so you can respond with your standard “Yep.”
See there are very few people who actually understand what’s happening with the economy right now. All everyone knows is that they have less money than they used to, and they’re not happy about it. And what do you do when you have less money than you used to? You ask for a bailout.
The banks gave way too much money to every Tom, Dick and Cletus that wanted a loan, regardless of their sub-standard credit, so we gave them a bailout. Seems reasonable. I mean, yeah, it was probably a bad decision in hindsight, but come on, they promised not to do it again.
After that the automakers decided they wanted to party too. But, again, they really deserve it. Sure, they may have made an inferior, overpriced product for years and taken their sweet ass time to adapt to consumer demands for more fuel-efficient vehicles, but I’m sure they’re sorry, and that’s enough for me. Besides, I think I remember in business school they said if you run your business terribly and you’re going to run out of money, the government will just give you more. I only went to one class though, so I could be wrong.
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Despite all of this drama, I’ve decided I need a bailout. I, however, am not going to ask the stupid government. I’m going to bailout my goddamn self. You may be asking yourself how am I going to do this, and I have your answer, dear reader: 3-part book series about awkward teenage melodrama and some paranormal shit like Harry Potter and Twilight. In recent years, I have seen this to be the most sure-fire way to make money as a writer and I’m going to exploit the shit out of it.
Before I actually write the books, I’ll outline them for you so if you’re a better, or faster writer than me, you can steal my idea and make the money before I can.
Part I: Frankenstein Jr. High School Musical
It has come to attention that a couple things are popular with the teenagers these days:
- Popular Kids that sing about stuff happening around them
- Old school things they liked as younger kids that now become the popular kids
- That Zac Efron guy
- Books put out in Series of 3s
- Pot
Knowing this, I’ve decided to write the first book in my series about a young teenager named Franco, who is the new kid in school. Also, he’s a Frankenstein. He’s not like the regular Frankenstein though, because he’s cool. He wears leather jackets, and has that cool hair like that Zac Efron guy. You know that hair that every kid in the world has now? Has anyone seen a kid in the 3 years that doesn’t have that hair? I haven’t.
Franco comes to Jr. High School and is instantly the most popular kid in school. Until one day, the character Zak Efron (not the actual Zac Efron, that’s just his name in the book. He looks like that Zac Efron guy though), who was formerly the most popular kid in school, finds out who Franco’s dad is. Here is a sample from the book, which I haven’t written yet, but this part will be in it:
Zac Efron: Hey, I heard your dad is Doctor Frankenstein
Franco: Please don’t tell anyone I’m made from body parts and organs from dead people and that a bolt of lightning is what made me come alive. Debbie will never go to the dance with me then!
Zac Efron: You’re going down Franco Backs away, High-Fives Jr. High School Sidekick Guy
Later…Franco, walking alone in the rain, singing
Franco: When, when is my tiiiiiiiime, When I can just be a Frankensteiiiiiiiiiiiiiin. How can I get Debbie to go the daaaaaaaaaaaaance, Once she realizes there’s a dead guy’s legs inside these (designer) paaaaaaaaaants?
As you can see, it’s quite a riveting tale. It’s filled with songs, high school, popular kids, murder, and Zac Efron.
Part II: My Best Friend is a Vampire (But not the faggy Twilight Kind)
Since the Twilight books and HBO show True Blood came out, it seems like everyone in the world is gay for vampires and because no one is better at hopping onto trends right as they’re dying out, the second part of my book series will be a book about vampires.
The book starts out with a really smart kid named Matt, he’s extremely good looking but the high school girls don’t like him because he intimidates them with his extensive knowledge and writing ability. One night Matt is browsing craigslist when he notices a cryptic post: SWF ISO Extremely Smart Kid to Turn Into a Vampire So He Can Be Popular at School.
Cut to the next day, Matt instantly has that hair style that all the kids have and has suddenly become very popular at school. The Twilight vampires notice this (they go to the same school, I forgot to mention this) and it makes them very angry. But what probably makes them more angry is their stupid abstinence.
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The rest of the book is about Matt kicking the shit out of the stupid Twilight vampires and drinking blood and doing all sorts of other awesome shit vampires do. Man, vampires are so cool. Note: any similarity, implied or otherwise, between the author of the book and the characters is purely coincidental.
Part III: Thirteen Wolf: Teen Wolf’s Son
As we all know, by this point I’ll be filthy rich and swimming in money. It’s safe to assume that everything I write henceforth will not contain words like “henceforth” or be filled with any effort whatsoever. Like all authors who write a book series, the 3rd one will just be me phoning it in. I’ll literally call someone and tell them what I want them to write. I’ll be too rich to type.
Thirteen Wolf is the story of Michael J Fox/Jason Bateman’s son. It’s not their son together, though and you’re sick for even thinking that. MJF is a true American Hero and you will treat him as such.
This will be a tale of a werewolf and his struggles with being a werewolf, having a totally badass vampire friend named Matt, and wanting to become lead in the school play and superstar basketball player, only to be blocked by Franco the Jr. High School Musical Frankenstein.
Yes that’s right, I’m Quentin Tarantinoing the shit out of my books. That’s what people do when they realize they only have enough content for half of what they originally wanted to do (example: this post): they go back and write a whole different thing involving two of the other things they already wrote about. That way you don’t have to really develop any more characters and you can fill in any gaps in your previous stories. For example, in Part I, I will probably leave out long periods of time in Franco’s life with no explanation whatsoever (like Jesus!), but since I’m doing Part III I can go back and say “oh, when he was gone for two weeks he was on a camping trip with Thirteen Wolf and they tried to kill each other” or some stupid shit like that. Then at the end…well, you’ll see! Yeah, I just did that.
By the way, thank you Quentin Tarantino and M. Night Shamalabob for allowing crappy writers to go back and fill in the gaps and throw in awesome twists and telling the public that it’s “awesome” and “edgy”.
Keep an eye out for my book series, coming soon to a bookstore near you! (Note: I have yet to write these books, or even think about them beyond the scope of this post, so really they’re not coming any time soon but I thought it was a nice way to end this piece).
P.S. If anyone reading this is one of those people that makes books, I have some ideas I’d like to pitch. If you liked what you just read, those are the ideas. If you did not, I have some way better ideas somewhere at my house. Please come over and we’ll talk about them.
Have we reached a point yet where we can just let these two people fight and get it over with? I’m not sure what they’re even fighting about at this point. 
I like open letters. They give you the chance to say everything you want to one (or many) specific person(s).
Ok, I get it. You’re kinda hot. I’d definitely put my Wasilla inside your Alaska. (Then back out. Then in. Then out. Then in out in out in out in out in out in out in out in out in out in out inoutinoutinoutinoutinout cjbdsjokfgbsudjovbd!!Uhh…..oops. Hope you were on the pill.)
Awww snnap, girlfriend….you so crazy!! If I didn’t think you were secretly lesbian, I’d probably think you wanted to get some hot jungle fever sausage action with our new President-Elect in the Oval Office (or the Oval Oraphice…oval, like your dirty vagina!) You’re all over that like O.J. at a…uhh…murder convention….or something.
I mean, that’s basically like sticking your dick in a blender, plugging it in, turning it on and then getting pissed at the blender when it turns your cock into bloody dong hash. Or like when you fuck Amy Winehouse in her balloon-knot, but then you get some sort of crazy, undiagnosed STD that makes YOUR asshole turn inside-out and start talking to you, or makes every hole in your body leak black tar heroin. Straight fuckin heroin!